Real Advice: I like her, but I’m scared to get into a relationship

by admin · Real Advice · 28 Feb 2017

Dear Real Advice,

This girl is just awesome. She’s probably the best girl I’ve gone on dates with since I moved to the city — she’s smart, pretty, and laid back, which is everything I am looking for in a girlfriend. We’ve gone on about 5 dates in over month and talk and text all the time. She’s even met all my close friends, which is huge for me. I can feel everyone wondering, “Are they officially together? Are they exclusive?” I know she’s wondering that, too. I guess my problem is — I am too scared to make the commitment. What if I don’t like her as much once we get into a relationship? What if she find me to be disappointing? Last time I was in a committed, long-term relationship was in college, and it didn’t end well, and I struggled to recover from it for a long time. I don’t want to put myself through something like that again, and I guess I’m already imaging this potential relationship fall apart and both of us getting hurt from it. I want to continue to go on dates with this amazing girl and keep on getting to know her to be sure that she’s someone I can trust, but I also don’t know how long I can keep on dating her without making her feel confused. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Falling in Love but Confused

Dear Falling in Love but Confused,

What you’re feeling is not uncommon among people who’ve been badly burned before. It’s a perfectly normal reaction to protect yourself, but this kind of self-defense mode can get in the way of finding the true love! You listed some “what if’s” of this potential relations going awry but what if it turns out to be something amazing? What if this girl is the one? What if you guys end up breaking up, but also end up teaching one another a valuable lesson? What if you two get married? You just never know. Like everything in life, you go into relationships with uncertainty.

Also, you mentioned that you want to continue to go on dates with her and get to know her to make sure that she’s someone safe, but the problem is, there is a limit to how much, how deep you can get to know her without making that commitment. The depth of how much you get to know the person is inevitably linked to how much you are willing to commit to that person, so without being her boyfriend, you will never truly get to see the most important qualities of her.

Good luck!

My best,